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AT THE DEATH OF MY
GRANDMOTHER
My very first life-memory is one of waking up, climbing over
the railing of my crib in one-piece pajamas "with feet", going half-way down stairs and watching my Grandmother cooking
at the stove in her home where I lived much of the time while each of my parents worked. To say she was the closest single person in my life is an understatement. Here is my eulogy of
her, delivered at the Bernardsville Presbyterian Church in Bernardsville, New Jersey on January 22, 1990. No names
have been changed.
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In Memory of Elizabeth Santoline
January 22, 1990
The Rev. Dr. James S. VuocoloIsaiah 49:1-7
I Peter 1:22-25Some of you may recall witnessing the final scene from the movie, entitled, "PATTON", starring George C. Scott.
As the Second World War comes to a close, the General is seen calmly walking his dog across an open field, someplace in the European Countryside ... While the "voice-over" speaks the following words:
"For over a thousand years, Roman Conquerors, returning from the wars, enjoyed the honor of the triumph - a tumultuous parade. In the procession came trumpeters and musicians, and strange animals from the conquered territories; Together with carts, laden with treasure and captured armaments. The conqueror rode in the triumphal Chariot - the days prisoners walking in chains before him ...
Sometimes his children, robed in white, stood with him in the chariot - or rode the trace horses.A slave stood behind the Conqueror, holding a golden crown - and whispering in his ear, a warning: that all glory - is fleeting ..."This is, indeed, rooted in historic fact. For the words which the slave would whisper behind his master's back, simply repeated the refrain: "Remember, thou art mortal ..."
Today, we gather together in the sure and certain hope that in Jesus Christ, Elizabeth Santoline has triumphantly conquered death itself - And perhaps also with a suspicion that those of us who have been left behind to mourn and grieve her death, are now ouselves Slaves to inner feelings of sadness and regret; of loss, and fear.
This past week, Elizabeth's Great-Grandson, Adam, cried when his mother and I informed him of her death. At age 5, he hasn't yet had to face the mortality of a loved one - and so we took this opportunity to assist in enabling him to express his own feelings of sadness and loss for someone whom he had recently been with over the Christmas season, and who had loved him very much.
Adam had been praying for his Great-Grandmother's recovery each night throughout the recent course of her illness - And now, he prays, as we all do, to thank God for a merciful end to all of her suffering and pain.
In learning about the seriousness of my Grandmother's condition from her physician, about a week-and-a-half ago, my own heart was just as heavy as my son's; And my mind kept wishing for some means of escape from a grave situation - the grave of this beloved person ...
I knew that my Grandmother, at age 82, had lived a long and full life - rich in the nurture and love of her Grandson, and of many other people. She had virtually "raised me from a pup" while both of my parents worked during my earliest years - and I lived under her roof, once again, during my final years of High School.
And even years later, whether I lived in New Jersey, Pennsylvannia, or Wyoming - she told me that I would always have a place under her roof, if needed; And that I could always count on her being present for me.
As I reflected on all of this during the week or so before her death, I told my wife, Debbie, how truly blessed and fortunate I've always felt to have Elizabeth in my life - And that EVERYONE on this planet ought to have SOMEONE who loves and affirms them so unconditionally - and so completely - as I always felt myself to be loved and affirmed by this beautifully simple woman.
Elizabeth has probably influenced my life to a greater degree than virtually anyone else I can name - And over the years, I've come to believe, that she was somehow responsible for my having received God's calling into the Christian ministry. And so, in 1982, I wrote the following dedication as the prelude to my Doctoral thesis at The Theological School of Drew University:
"To my Grandmother, Elizabeth, who has been a
life-long example of intentional ministry in service
to others by means of a love that never fails to act
on behalf of good."
Perhaps being the only Grandson in an Italian family means that I could "never do any wrong" in her eyes - But even when I WAS wrong along life's way (And there were many such times - especially during my High School years!) - she would listen attentively to my problems, without ever scolding - and merely ask "why" I had chosen to say or do something in a particular way - Without ever injecting an opinion of what I SHOULD BE DOING with my life.
And this was the way in which she dealt with virtually all other people, whether she understood the particular issues and agendas they each confronted her with, or not - For whether she had known them for years, or at life's first introduction - Even the most casual aquaintance of any one of her family members was always welcomed, affirmed, and served as an honored guest, at her table.
Open - honest - trusting - and loving. I've told dozens of people over the years that my Grandmother holds more compassion for others in her little finger - than I hold in my entire large body!
And that's undoubtedly true to this very day - For she has done far more to minister to me, and to the other members of our family, throughout the years - than I've ever been able to do for her, or for others - even in my role as a professional care giver, each day. And I suspect that much the same might be said by many others of you, who are here today, as well.
And now, her life is over. Mortality has taken its toll, and she has entered into another realm of human existence.People are always trying to reduce life to a managable size. We term it A rat race; A bowl of cherries; Amino acids; or a holy mystery. But life is THE PRIMORDIAL MYSTERY among us. We're all in it together - (or perhaps, "its in us" - take your pick).
The Presbyterian author/theologian, Frederick Buechner reports that after giving a lecture about miracles one day, a great theologian was asked to give a specific example of one. "There is only one miracle", he replied. "It is life."
Buechner goes on to ask:
"Have you wept at anything over the past year?
Has your heart beat faster at the sight of young beauty?
Have you thought seriously about the fact that someday you are going to die?
More often than not, do you really listen when people are speaking, instead of just waiting for your turn to speak?
Is there anybody you know in whose place, if one of you had to suffer great pain, you would volunteer yourself?If your answer to all or most of these questions is NO (he says), the chances are that you're dead!
About a week and a half ago, Elizabeth's physician called to prepare some of us, and to tell our family members that he felt that her life was nearing its end.
As a child of mortal parents, she had become a victim of her own mortality - just as we all do. From the day she was born - just like the rest of us - it has been true and evident that a day would arrive when family members and friends would have to gather together in order to return Elizabeth to her Creator: Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Because she was born of Mortal Parents, as stated in the words of I Peter: She has withered like the grass at the close of a season; and like the flowers' petals fall to the ground.
After a long, full life, and a brief period of illness, Elizabeth has now completed the cycle, and has died. And so, today, I'd like for each of us to not only remember the many gifts and graces of her life - but also to remember that she is not the only child of Mortal Parents; We all are. And that's one fact about human existence that none of us can ever truly hope to escape.We are, in fact, born - in order to die. Being born of mortal parents means, very simply, that we are all victims of mortality - And that a similar end to life will inevitably come to us all.
Some weeks ago, in quite a different context, I told my wife that whenever this happens to me, I'd like for my own Death Certificate to read: "Cause of Death - Human Being"; Because I honestly believe that to say anything else would be misleading.
And yet, as Christian men and women of a genuine faith, we know that death is NOT the final Word to be spoken over our lives. For the same text of I Peter reminds us that we are also born of a Heavenly Parent Who is Immortal.
We have, in own baptisms, experienced a second birth! And so, even in praying, we may say with integrity: "Our Father/Mother, who art in heaven; Our Father/Mother, hallowed be thy name ..."
Time and again, throughout her 82 years, Elizabeth has uttered these familiar words - and knew herself to be a child of an Immortal and Everlasting Parent. And this Second Childhood - this Second Birth - is a birth of the power of the Living Word of Almighty God - nothing else. Jesus, our Brother, gives each one
of us the gift of Immortality; so that we may be born anew, into an Eternal family.Almost everything we witness at a funeral service reminds us that we are mortal: The coffin, the flowers that fade; and the sense of sorrow and loss that we share.
Indeed, funeral services remind us that we are Mortal - in much the same way as an ancient Roman Slave served to remind the Conquoring Hero that all glory - is fleeting ... And the inheritance from our human parents, in the form of death itself, is very much with us at every moment.
Yet one thing stands over against this reality of death - and it is the Holy Word of God that creates "ex nihilo" - that is to say, "out of nothing"! For the very God who has named each one of us before we were ever formed in our mother's womb, as the prophet Isaiah has said, has now promised to utter a new Word for each of us in Jesus Christ, our Redeemer; and raise us to newness of life in God's glorious heavenly Realm. For indeed, "the grass withers, and the flower falls, but the Word of the Lord abides and endures for ever."
And that Word is the Good News of the Gospel that has been proclaimed to you, and to me: The Good News of Jesus the Christ - Crucified, and Alive, once more - for Elizabeth's sake, yes! But also, for each one of us whom God has chosen from the foundations of the earth! The Good News that Jesus died to bring each of us is a new birth; a new Parent; and a new inheritance of Immortality in the fact of His own Resurrection from the dead.
That's just about all that any one of us ever has whenever death knocks at our door. That's all that we really have on the day of any funeral. That's all that we have whenever the grass withers and the flowers fall - Namely, The Living Word of our Living Lord, Jesus Christ - Who Alone, is the Good News of God
for each of our souls.Whenever the day of own death arrives; When we too, are stripped of our health and our life and our breath - When nothing else remains: no heartbeat, no consciousness, no pain, and no more confession of faith on our lips - Only one thing will yet remain - HOPE!
And that Hope is rooted in the promise that God will keep his Word; That Jesus will, indeed, come again to raise-up each one of us to newness of life; And that we are, indeed, children of an Immortal and Loving Heavenly Parent - "Our Father, who art in Heaven." And that this Hope, will truly be sufficient for our souls!
And so, today - even as we fondly recall Elizabeth's life among us - And join together in thanking God for all in her that was kind and good - We are reminded of our own Mortality in a way that causes us to affirm with Hope, the words of the familiar Advent Hymn:
O Come, thou Dayspring, come and cheer
Our Spirits by thine advent here -
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death's dark shadows put to flight -
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel -
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
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© 1997, 1999 by J.S. Vuocolo. All rights reserved.