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James S. Vuocolo,
D.Min., MCC, CPVA, CPBA
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DEFICIT DISORDER:
ONE PERSON'S STORY
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Like many people, I wear a lot of different "hats".
In addition to being a father and husband, I am also
a senior minister and coach, author and teacher, workshop leader and volunteer board/committee member, mentor and counselor, neighbor
and friend. I also happen to have a genetically influenced neuro-biological disorder known as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or AD/HD,
that went undiagnosed and untreated for the first 45 years of my life!
Simply stated, having Attention Deficit Disorder
(ADD) or AD/HD (a form of ADD with accompanying hyperactivity) means the neurotransmitters (or messengers) of the sub-cortex of the brain, i.e. the frontal lobes, don't speak to each other in the same way as in other people's brains when this condition
is absent. Consequently, ADD folks lack the mental braking system necessary to stop, or inhibit, certain kinds of behaviors and emotions.
The term "deficit" in the title can thus sometimes be misleading. There's an attention deficit precisely because we tend to scan and take everything in around us! We also very often take things in too quickly - much like a car that's rolling down a steep hill through a series of S-curves without any brakes! So then, the child with ADD or AD/HD sees and hears the math teacher at the blackboard explaining a problem - but is, at the same time, watching the custodian speaking to the fire inspector out in the hallway through the glass in the classroom door, and seeing and hearing the large white truck picking up the green dumpster of trash outside the window at the opposite end of the room! The attention deficit is really very often a surplus of attention, or data, that's very rapidly coming in!
On the other hand, AD/HD folks can also hyper-focus on a particular task. I can vividly recall not leaving my seat at the kitchen table of my apartment for a full 72 hours while composing the thesis for my first seminary degree on a portable manual typewriter in 1978 - except for long enough periods to visit the bathroom on occasion while simultaneously reading a book; or eating a snack while continuing to type and speak on the phone ... No brakes!
When I smoked cigarettes, I puffed on as many as 60 per day (i.e. 3 packs) for 26 years until finally quitting some 8 years ago. No brakes! Whenever I'd drink alcoholic beverages, stop to gamble at a casino while on vacation, or eat the foods I enjoyed - it was always to excess. No brakes! I never knew why I seemingly lacked the necessary will power to change; So I would emotionally beat-myself-up for being internally weak! Imagine, a creative person who's IQ results score well into the genius category - with three college degrees, a wife, a son, two cars, two cats, one mortgage and a successful professional life - not being able to "just say no" to a package of Hostess Twinkies at the local convenience store! Little did I know or understand that, along with millions of others who share my condition (and another estimated 15 to 17 million American Adults who are still undiagnosed), I was simply attempting to medicate myself and slow myself down. And it worked - but only in a sad, inappropriate, and even dangerous kind of way. Indeed, once
I had literally gained a few hundred unnecessary pounds, I became a lot slower than I once had been in my younger days - a genuine couch-potato! But I was mentally and emotionally as scrambled as ever!
Now imagine all this with a perpetual knot in the stomach that frequently surfaces without warning as inappropriate anger or humor; an impulsive interruption of others who are speaking; a willingness to engage others in scathing debate even upon first meeting them; uncontrolled changes of inner moods and mental lapses during a conversation; unexplained periods of depression and lethargy, insomnia, impulse spending and increased credit card debt; juggling several projects at once with very little consideration for detail or follow-through; low self esteem; a lack of personal nutritional or health concern - and it's not difficult to paint a picture of someone who appears successful on the outside while experiencing inexplicable turmoil on the inside. Welcome to my world of AD/HD!
For good measure, toss in the fact that I am a highly skilled and successful ordained minister; a "man of God" to whom others frequently turn in order to "straighten out their lives" and "get their problems solved" - and then imagine what experiencing the symptoms of this disorder on a daily basis might do to your self-esteem and sense of confidence and worth!
I recall being openly chided in a doctoral seminar in pastoral care while in seminary by an otherwise competent professor who glared at me and pointedly said: "Jim, do you always laugh inappropriately during serious discussions? You have better not ever do so in the parish! You'll need to work on that, and don't ever do so in this class, again!" No brakes!
The perpetual stacks and piles of papers, magazines, catalogs and assorted other clutter around my office was a physical representation of the mental and emotional clutter I was experiencing within. No wonder I was constantly forgetting people's names, simple tasks, or even where I had placed my keys in the house. Oh yes, I have been late for a scheduled church meeting because it took a full 20 minutes to search for my keys! And of course I brought the wrong grade of milk home from the store - by the time I arrived at the proper aisle, I had forgotten why I was even in the store! Once the milk was discovered at home I would say, "But honey, just look at all the other great deals I found that weren't even on your shopping list!" Beginning to sound familiar? No brakes!
It's important to know that all people experience some, or even most, of these symptoms from time to time. The real difference for the ADD or AD/HD person is one of intensity and duration. People with ADD have clusters of symptoms in every life-situation and setting, e.g. at home and at work. I can't honestly recall ever being any other way. Yet I can recall feeling ashamed and embarrassed over 20 years ago the day someone asked me to read a lengthy magazine article entitled, "How To Improve Your Memory". I got more than half way through the entire article before I put down the magazine, opened my mouth and sheepishly reported with a straight face, "You know, I just remembered something ... I already read this entire article last week!"
Today, I consider myself an extremely fortunate individual. I know that I have this condition, but I also know I'm in pretty good company with many other people who succeeded despite ADD or other learning disabilities, including Albert Einstein, Mozart, Agatha Christie, and Robin Williams, just to name a few. When I look back, it's truly miraculous that I never wound up in any serious medical or even legal difficulty because of the anger exhibited while driving a car, or drinking too heavily in order to slow down my internal pace. Thank God I never attempted to
do both at the same time! It makes me wonder aloud how many ADD and AD/HD folks do experience such difficulties without ever learning about the root cause of the problems they face vis a' vis the legal or medical situations they endure.
After living in California for about a year, I discovered a magazine article about Coach University and its founder, Thomas J. Leonard. The ties between coaching and the parish ministry appeared obvious to me, and so I did some further investigation. This, in turn, led me to retain a personal coach who just happens to be an Episcopal priest with ADD (don't tell me God has no sense of humor!). Stephen took one look at the written assessments I had completed and asked if I had ever heard of ADD. I replied that I had heard of ADD in "unruly children" - but he was the first person to ever inform me that adults could experience this condition as well. He shared something of his own experience with me, and suggested a book that I have subsequently recommended to many other parishioners, coaching clients and friends. Reading Driven to Distraction by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey was both an enlightening and a frightening experience. In it, I saw myself and my life being openly discussed on virtually every other page! This, in conjunction with the ongoing support and encouragement of my coach, finally led me to seek the medical assistance I needed.
In the prelude of her excellent book, entitled, A Comprehensive Guide to Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults, Dr. Kathleen G. Nadeau writes: "No broadly accepted standard yet exists for the diagnosis of attention deficit disorder in adults." My personal physician was predictably skeptical about my story
and its connections to the best-selling book I carried into his office one day - until I was also able to produce the original copies of my own report cards dating back to grades I through 7 in New Jersey public schools. Year after year, the teacher's comments were absolutely and consistently classic examples of what we now know to be ADD in children, enabling my own condition to be professionally diagnosed and treated for the very first time.
Today, I am still not a "perfect" human being - but
I now know that I'm not crazy, lazy or unduly neurotic, either - and this continues to provide a tremendous sense of relief that empowers me. I am also constantly learning new ways to function more effectively in the world. I am working with a nutritionist who provides me with the diet and exercise structure and support necessary to enable me to lose a great deal of fat without feeling deprived or hungry. I make a monthly visit to my physician to check on my blood pressure, weight loss, and the effects of the daily medication that helps me to mentally focus, and immediately enabled me to stop drinking any/all alcoholic beverages (this is not to deny the reality of addiction for many people; but simply to convey my own experience).
One final word of caution is simply this: Don't assume that all medical people know any more about ADD or AD/HD than the people who live with it do! When I initially shared my diagnostic suspicions with a well-intentioned friend and parishioner who works as a physician's assistant, he said, "I understand what you're saying. But you're also my pastor, and I guess I'd like for you to pray long and hard about it before spiritually surrendering turning to secular drug therapy." I thought for a moment, smiled, and replied by saying, "If my problem is ADD-related, what makes you think I can concentrate long enough to listen for a divine answer in prayer?" And it's true. At that point in time, my own inner prayer life was as equally "cluttered" as the piles of papers in my office! Like many clergy- persons, I can pray aloud as eloquently as the next person before a crowd on Sunday morning - but that's precisely because I get to do all, or at least most, of the talking! Telling an ADD or AD/HD child or adult who needs medication to "pay closer attention" or to "pray harder" is just as futile as telling a near sighted person without eyeglasses or contact lenses to "squint a lot harder" - it just doesn't work! Consequently, I have come to appreciate the structure and focus that my weekly coaching sessions with Stephen provide. My family relationships at home have drastically improved according to the family members who live with me; and my relationships and effectiveness at work has significantly improved as well.
I sometimes think about some of the people and former friends whom I've managed to unwittingly "drive out of my life" because of not knowing about my own condition. I can even name a few of these individuals! But I don't dwell on past failures for any length of time. These days, I'm much too busy working to become a more effective person, pastor and professional Coach for myself, and others, to spend much time rehearsing the past. To my surprise and delight, a lot of people both in and out of my church and in my current coaching practice have come to me with stories and symptoms of ADD and AD/HD - without any solicitation on my part whatsoever. Free time is now spent in extra coaching classes and seminars, and being present with loved ones and friends. I can't really say I enjoy having AD/HD - but knowing about my own condition and learning more about it in myself and in others has given me a brand new dimension to explore wherein life finally begins to make some real sense. Being able to "name" the thing that has influenced so much of my life has empowered me, and freed me from its grasp in a way not previously possible. The future is filled with scores of dreams yet to be focused upon and experienced. But when I finally get to each one of these, I know that they too, will serve to strengthen the personal foundation from which I shall dare to forge ahead with a new sense of inner confidence and courage! And for this I am truly grateful.
© 1996-1999 by James S. Vuocolo. All rights reserved.